Last week at the grocery store my boys and I were chatting with the two young (about 17 years old) gentleman checking us out and bagging our groceries.
The conversation revolved around outdoor work and the bagger said that his favorite outdoor activity is chopping wood.
I replied to this, “Oh you’d get along great with this crew, they chop a ton of wood.”
He looked at me with this queer look of surprise and dare I say, admiration and asked, “You let them have axes?”
My kids have had axes since they were five, possibly younger.
You don’t teach a teenager to be safe with an ax by giving him said ax at sixteen and telling him how to be safe.
You teach him to be safe with an ax by giving it to him at age six so by the time he’s sixteen and has the power to make the ax a deadly weapon, he’s chopping all your wood and bringing it inside and his proficiency and experience with the ax keeps him safe.
His respect for the ax keeps him responsible.
And this is one of the problems we are having in society right now, we are delaying teaching men how to be men until they are well, men.
We coddle and protect them, keep them safe and often still as little boys.
When they become “of age”, we as a society then use churches, women, school, laws, sometimes the police and definitely the culture to TELL them what they should be.
It’s not working and there’s a reason for that.
You teach a boy to be a man through his time with good men, men that take risks, do dangerous things and teach them to be brave, courageous and willing to put himself in danger for the protection of others.
Yes I realize that there are a lot of women in the world today raising boys without the help of a good man.
But there are ALSO a lot of women raising boys with good men living in their household, good men that they nag and edit, prevent from displaying their wild nature and urge not to take risks or do anything dangerous with their kids.
I remember feeling those impulses to too.
I remember wanting to stop my husband from raising our kids the way he instinctively wanted to.
He was dirtier, rougher, more dangerous, and less risk averse than I in how he handled our babies.
He would throw them in the air, never wash their hands or faces and let them rough it.
When he would take the boys out he wouldn’t bring a bunch of provisions for them and he would wing it.
Sometimes that would backfire, and he would just figure it out and bring the babies back to me, albeit a mess, but happy and tired.
He gave them their first knives when they were barely out of diapers.
He let them climb things, fall down, and “shake it off” when they got hurt.
He roughhoused ( and still does) with them.
He didn’t bring water or snacks on walks.
He taught them to grab snakes, shoot bows and arrows, and start and tend fires.
He brought them around other men and let them learn from them too.
And if I hasn’t known better, if I had listened to my nervousness, if I had believed that MY way and my feminine approach to parenting was the best and ONLY way, I would have stopped him and robbed my boys of his parenting.
My boys wouldn’t be who they are today and who I know they will be once full grown.
They wouldn’t have the strong relationship with their father that they do, because he would have thought himself redundant and unnecessary, he would have stayed on the bench.
They wouldn’t know how to be strong and tough, dangerous and brave like they already do, like they will continue to know even better.
Today on the farm I looked up to see my thirteen year old son walking toward me from 1/4 mile away with a four year old boy (friend of the family) cradled in his arms being carried because the boy had cut his toe and was upset.
I saw my son carrying him calmly and strongly as he assured the little boy that he was going to be ok and that he was brave and tough for surviving his injury.
I saw my son already acting a man to this boy and I smiled with pride for my son and the many times my husband had allowed my boys to be uncomfortable, strong, fearless. Here was the confidence and capability they developed as a result of all that and the kindness they show BECAUSE they are confident and I was so relieved that I hadn’t prevented my babies from being raised by a man.
I talked some more with the boys at the grocery store about outdoor activities and chopping wood.
I told them how it is one of the quickest and most effective ways to boost testosterone production and build strength.
Excited about this tidbit and what felt like permission to like and chat about manly things they shared a little more about what sorts of manly activities they enjoy, how they get excited to do difficult and dangerous things and become stronger foe having done them.
I concluded our conversation and shopping experience that day telling them,
“Well, keep doing manly things.
The world needs good strong and capable men now more than ever and don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of your masculinity.
We need you,”
and left the store with my own brood of growing and proud men.
-Sarah
PS
I realize that this is the wise “women’s” circle and here I am writing about men but it was learning about men through the book Wild At Heart, back in 2004 that fundamentally changed my understanding of men, their design and therefore my design and role as a woman.
I think that one of the best ways we can understand ourselves as women and fulfill our God ordained purpose is to understand our complement, men.
When we recognize their often forgetting and demonized unique skills, gifts, perspectives and strengths, we can sometimes better see how we are designed to present in our homes, marriages, churches and communities.
If we are different and helpmeets to men, then we by definition have permission to not be the same, to not compete with them but to shine and come alongside them to build homes, families, communities and the world at large according to God‘s design.
We can become wiser, more fulfilled and unabashedly feminine, wise women through understanding men a little bit better.
What they are and what we are not.
🤎
I also was motivated by “Wild At Heart” many many years ago, to re-examine my view and responses to men. I believe that it should be required reading for women 🙃💕Thank you for this reminder!
I actually had a date today. W a Navy commander who has a great relationship with his dad. And mom I presume but we were talking mostly about men. He has 8 mma fights under his belt from a long time ago and I started a thread on how important he thought it was to have been punched in the face. I agree with all of this wholeheartedly.
And my fav story from watching your boys - wait, stories!
- watching your youngest beat the shreds out of a cardboard box w a ferocity that made me a little uhhh for a moment. I have asked boy dads since to offer their sons the same thing in the backyard.
- every time they started a fire 😂 or when they showed me termites to eat and which wood they were best to eat from which I also don’t recall
- playing whatever game whacking the daylights out of each other with pillows and then the older two teaching your youngest that he can’t hit when someone’s head is on the floor. When I asked why not Declan told me it was because there was nothing between their head and the floor and that is when I learned a lot about the intricacies of their risk management