adrift in the weight of my own will

It’s come to my realization lately just how much weight I give my own will.

I may fancy myself someone that has faith, consider myself someone whose life is lived in submission to God but did I also not-too-long ago throw a (private) tantrum when I didn’t get my own way?

Yes.
Yes I did.

I screamed and yelled at my Savior, angry at His abandonment.
I felt adrift at sea with no light, no shore in sight or life boat approaching.

Where are your promises now, God?
Are you happy with yourself, making me doubt you? Setting me up for failure?

The days following left me in darkness. The eyes of my heart were tired and heavy from looking for the promise. Where is it?

When will you come through for me?

I’ve turned my back on God multiple times in my life.
I’ve given Him up and gone my own way, made a complete mess of things and come crawling back to beg forgiveness and assistance in cleaning up the fallout.

I knew that wasn’t the way this time but still I felt adrift, less inclined to chat and pray.
My prayers were simply, “Change me. Help me. Don’t leave me. Where are you? Why did you leave me?” and then I went along my day.

And then something happened.
He answered.
My mind slowly started to shift.
I began to ask myself different questions.

“Are you sure your prayers haven’t been answered? Is it possible that you’re in the middle of a blessing you don’t have eyes to see?”

“Could Almighty God might have a different way and purpose than you, a different path and plan than the one you are so convinced is the answer?”

“What if He is asking you to trust Him even when things look bleak? What if He is letting you see what it is you cling to when you feel like He is hiding, showing you your weakness so you can become stronger?”

Would I give up or pursue?
Would I cave when it becomes hard or trust in the promises?
Sometimes promises are a longtime coming.

Then He sent me Places by Allie Paige,

Sinking in this flood, swimming deep in your sea
I've lost care for what's around me
I'm just aware of how you're speaking
Now I'm taking all my chances on your love

I'm trusting in your promise, lead me on
You have my affection
You're sitting on the highest place in my heart
And now I'm taking all my chances on your love

I don't know the places you're taking me
But I trust it's worth the waiting
I'll delight in every single step
Because I know you’re with me, yeah

How weak to give up on the promises because they don’t come fast enough, because they don’t come in the shape and size I’ve asked for.

It’s easy to believe that knowing Christ and drawing near to God means you will be guided to the right answers and decisions all the time, that your life may have ups and downs but not as bad as the ones when you were walking apart from God and for the most part it will be good because now you’re good.

It’s not true. There’s a lot of drifting at sea moments, no mast, no sails, no provisions and sharks all around and what is different is not that you miraculously know where you’re going, but that you have complete faith that God is sending you there for good reason and that He will be there too.

Winslow Homer The Gulf Stream Painting 1899..

Ultimate and complete surrender to the One True King is hard because it means dying to myself, a ripping away of the old and for folks like myself, it’s a slow death.
The layers are peeled away gradually and often reluctantly.

I’ve entered the crucible and some days I just can’t take the heat.
But while the refining fire can be unbearable at times, what I love is the outcomes.
The freedom I feel when the crutches, burdens and preconceived notions I have collected in this life melt away and I become lighter and more at one with the Saviors heart and will.

I desire less of myself and my own way and see the blessings in the detours.
I stop focusing on how others have let me down and endeavor to be more faithful and steadfast.

Many people can see suffering and like Job’s wife ask, “Why don’t you just curse God and die?”

“Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” he replied . Job 2:10

His words in my mind as I decided to write this Substack praying that I will become more of someone whose will can bend to that of the Almighty’s selfishly because it will make life easier, but faithfully because that’s what I was made for, to delight in His ways above my own.

The truth remains for now,

some days I’m Job’s wife.

Some days I’m Job.

Every day, He is God and He has spoken: “Be still and know that I’m God.”

xoxo,

Sarah